What Happened When I Told My Boss: Disclosures at work

It's not a secret that we hide information from others at work. Some research suggests that people keep thirteen things mostly hidden from others. Among what people hide are romantic relationships, financial improprieties, theft, and discontent at work. There isn't a reason to wonder why people keep secrets at work: co-workers are notoriously bad at keeping secrets. While there is surprisingly little research on keeping and disclosing secrets, one report identified that 77% of secrets shared at work were known by at least two others by the end of the day the information was shared. Let's consider the what, when, why, and how of what happens when you share personal information at work.

I want to go on the record stating that it is best to disclose information to your boss. It's the mark of an effective relationship and releasing the burden of information promotes wellbeing. Anytime we expand the depth and breadth of our relationships with our bosses, we create possibilities for more meaningful and productive work.

Self-disclosure is revealing information to others that is not readily known. Much has changed in the last 15 years relative to self-disclosure because of social networking. TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and other social media create outlets for disclosure previously inconceivable. It's essential to be culturally and generationally aware of how others wish to disclose at work.

The Discuss-ables

Some news arrives at a surprise at work. The surprising news might be learning that a co-worker has landed a new job or seeing changes on an organizational chart because of a public romantic relationship between two colleagues. These events come as surprises, as many hide job searches and romances at work. The consequences of disclosing job searches or office romance are often tangible, with outcomes ranging from increased compliance risks to job loss.

We disclose when we share observations, thoughts, feelings, or needs. A person can observe that I am a white man. However, if I share that I am a yoga enthusiast, I've made a disclosure. An interpersonal obligation arises with disclosure, creating what some psychologists refer to as a social burden. Inherently, we anticipate and worry over how the receiver of our news will respond.

My intent isn't to discuss what should remain undisclosed at work, but among the reported undiscussables are theft and other deceptions or plain lies (turning that sick day into a vacation day). My focus is to examine the consequences and benefits of disclosure.

Reasons for Disclosure

Have you ever wondered if you have said too much? Or have you have regretted sending a text or email? I usually find attempts to recall email about as useful as failing to remember that nonverbal reactions to disclosure provide enormous information. What should you expect when you share personal information?

First, disclosure creates a sense of relief, idiomatically expressed as, "getting it off your chest." Secondly, you might clarify or correct an observation. Statements like "Did John say that?" Or Did I hear you correctly, Jane?" are everyday examples of clarification and correction. And lastly, we also disclose information to others because we need and want their support. For example, a health crisis creates a situation where managerial and organizational communication is essential to problem-solving and progress.

The benefits of disclosing your boss include building closer relationships that increase collaboration and teamwork, two relatable values common to many groups and organizations. When we understand others' approaches and styles, we build capacity and capability to guide and lead. Most disclosure leads to the reduction of stress and burnout.

Reasons Not to Disclose

Come back to the idea that disclosure adds a burden to the individual hearing the news. The reactions to disclosures can range from transactional to transformational. Like an address change or a payment, some events are transactional—other events, like a job change or a partner relationship change, set in motion new contexts and behaviors.

At work, disclosure creates a loss of privacy. If you don't want someone to know something, you should not share it. However, just as nonverbal reactions to disclosure are visible but not stated, your secret may be visible despite concealment attempts. What holds many of us back from disclosure is fear. We fear that our boss might reassign important work or hope that she does. We fear career derailment, sidelining, or loss of a plum assignment. And, disclosures can result in rejection, with significant consequences to engagement and wellbeing.

We should also guard against some types of disclosures. Some disclosures are power grabs; knowing something about others provides, in the view of some, leverage for personal or political gain. Other disclosures launch fishing expeditions, with outcomes like power grabs, no matter how petty the information.

Planning for Disclosure

All of us are familiar with movie or television scenes of a group unexpectedly stranded or trapped. Just think of those screens you've watched of people trapped in a stalled elevator, stranded on a remote island, or castaway to a hidden location. In group dynamics classes, students watch the classic film 12 Angry Men, which focuses on a jury's deliberations in a capital murder case, illustrating how circumstances and individuals contribute to changes in beliefs and actions.

Disclosures increase in crises. Some situations demand immediate information for course corrections or changes in direction. Intimacy also affects disclosure. In some circumstances, individuals will reveal more to strangers than intimate partners. While reasons for this behavior may be apparent, we also know that real possibilities for change and growth increase with intimacy, when we count on others' support to achieve our goals.

When disclosures are planned, you influence both the channel or medium of communication and timing. It's one thing to make a disclosure in a face-to-face meeting and another to make a disclosure via an email or letter. When negative consequences to disclosure are anticipated or expected, formal communication, as in documenting a workplace discussion, are reasonable. Text-bound communications provide some element of control.

In face-to-face communications, you should also plan when to disclose. Should you do it early in a meeting? In the middle or end? If you tell first in a conversation, you risk losing an opportunity to discuss other topics. Middle-meeting disclosures often come in like bombs, arriving out of nowhere, raising questions of intent and trust. At the end of discussions, you risk losing empathy and support. When is often less important than what gets discussed.

Disclosure in the workplace involves many decisions, in part, because disclosure is a circular process. Information exchanges, in their many forms, alter situations. Returning to earlier examples, consider a situation when you attempted to recall an email or experienced negative consequences resulting from disclosure. As you consider those and similar situations, what could increase your resilience, effectiveness, and leadership?

When a colleague informs you of her job change, the next steps are often painless and straightforward. When your co-worker brings you into his confidence, how do you respond? Knowing when it's okay to share begins with permission. When provided with personal disclosure, it's critical to have your walk match your talk, thereby demonstrating personal and leadership integrity.

I harbor a dream and vision of a day when fear is eliminated in the workplace, and our observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs are not shrouded in anonymity. Inspiring, meaningful, and productive relationships build on trust. We create long-term value with trust by loving our customers and engaging employees to do their best work. For these reasons alone, the evidence is clear: value accrues when we acknowledge everyone's inherent value, and we honor our commitment to personal and organizational integrity.